White Nights

Somehow I can't help but be reminded of that weak and sickly girl, at whom you sometimes look with pity, sometimes with a compassionate love, and sometimes you simply do not notice her, but then suddenly, for a moment, she somehow, unexpectedly, becomes inexplicably, wonderfully beautiful, and you, startled and intoxicated, unwittingly ask yourself: What power caused those sad, thoughtful eyes to shine with such fire?

I was walking and singing, because when I am happy I am sure to hum something to myself, like every other happy man who has neither friends nor good acquaintances and who in a joyful moment has nobody with whom he can share his joy.

I turned around, took a step in her direction and would certainly have uttered the word 'Madam', but for the fact that I knew that this exclamation had already been uttered a thousand times in all our Russian society novels. That was the only thing that stopped me.

And all I dream of every day is that at long last I will finally meet someone. Oh, if only you knew how many times I've fallen in love like that! … 'But how, with whom? …' 'Why with nobody, with an ideal, with the one I see in my dreams. I create entire love stories in my dreams.

I'm a dreamer; I have so little real life that I regard such moments as this one, now, to be so rare that I can't help repeating these moments in my dreams.

see that you come on the following condition: first (only be so kind as to do what I ask – you see, I'm speaking candidly), don't fall in love with me … That's impossible, I assure you. I'm prepared to be your friend, here's my hand … But falling in love is impossible, I beg you!'

'Absolutely without stories of any kind! I lived, as they say, on my own, that is, absolutely alone – alone, completely alone – do you understand what it means to be alone?'

'you tell it splendidly, but could you tell it somehow less splendidly? Otherwise, you talk as though you were reading from a book.'

Now, dear Nastenka, when we have come together again after such a lengthy separation – because I have known you for a long time, Nastenka, because I have long been searching for someone, and that is a sign that I was looking precisely for you and that we were fated to meet now – now in my head thousands of valves have opened and I must set loose this river of words, or I will choke to death.

he desires nothing, because he is above desire, because he has everything, because he is sated, because he himself is the artist of his life and he creates it for himself every hour to suit his latest whim.

And you ask yourself: Where are your dreams? And you shake your head and say: How quickly do the years fly by! And again you ask yourself: What have you done with your years? Where have you buried your best days? Did you live or not? Look, you say to yourself, look how cold the world is becoming. More years will pass, followed by gloomy solitude, and then doddering old age will come on a walking-stick, to be followed by anguish and despondency. Your fantastic world will grow pale, your dreams will wither, die and scatter like yellow leaves from the trees … Oh, Nastenka! It will be sad, you know, to be left alone, quite alone, and not even have something to regret – nothing, absolutely nothing … because all that I have lost, all this, it was all nothing, a stupid, round zero – it was merely a dream!'

You know, we thank some people for merely living at the same time as we do. I thank you for the fact that I met you, that I will remember you for all my life!

it is that when we are unhappy we more strongly feel the unhappiness of others; feeling is not shattered, but becomes concentrated …

'Do you know why I'm so happy?' she said, 'so happy to look at you? Why I love you so today?' 'Well?' I asked, and my heart began to tremble. 'I love you because you didn't fall in love with me.'

'Yes, God himself sent you to me! Well, what would have happened to me if you had not been with me now? You're so unselfish! You love me so! When I'm married, we will be great friends, more than if we had been brothers. I will love you almost as much as I love him …'

'We'll meet him together. I want him to see that we love each other.' 'That we love each other!' I cried. 'Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka!' I thought to myself. 'How much you've said with that one word. Such a love, Nastenka, at certain moments can make the heart grow cold and make one miserable. Your hand is cold, mine is as hot as fire. How blind you are, Nastenka! … Oh, how unbearable is the happy person at certain moments! But I couldn't be angry with you! …'

'Listen,' she began, 'I'm a bit disappointed, you know, that you didn't fall in love with me. Just try and understand human nature after that! But still and all, Mr Inflexible, you cannot but praise me for being such a simple girl. I tell you everything, everything, no matter what sort of foolishness comes into my head.'

'Do you know what just occurred to me? I was comparing the two of you. Why isn't he – you? Why isn't he like you? He's not as good as you, even though I love him more than you.'

'Now then, everything that you told me then about your dreamer is absolutely untrue, that is, I wish to say that it doesn't have anything to do with you. You're getting better, you really are a completely different person from the one you described. If you ever fall in love, then may God grant you happiness with her! But I won't wish her anything, because she will be happy with you. I know, I'm a woman myself, and you must believe me, when I tell you …'

Then – I was thinking this yesterday and the day before yesterday, Nastenka – then I would have made you, I would certainly have made you fall in love with me; you said, you know, you were saying yourself, Nastenka, that you had almost fallen in love with me. Well, what else? Well, that's almost everything that I wanted to say; it remains only to say what it would have been like if you had fallen in love with me, only that, nothing more!

only I would love you so, I would love you so, that even if you still loved him and continued to love this person whom I don't know, you still would not find my love to be a burden to you in any way. You would only feel, you would only sense at every moment that next to you beats a grateful, grateful heart, an ardent heart, which for your sake … Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka! What have you done to me! …'

'well, come along now; perhaps I'll tell you something … Yes, if he has abandoned me now, if he has forgotten me, even though I still love him (I don't wish to deceive you) … but, listen, answer me. If, for example, I were to love you, that is, if only I … Oh, my friend, my friend! When I think, when I think how I insulted you then when I laughed at your love, when I praised you for not falling in love! … Oh, my God! How did I not foresee it, how did I not foresee this, how could I have been so stupid, but … Well, well, I've made up my mind, I'll tell you everything …'

'Listen, Nastenka, do you know what? I'll go away, that's what! I'm simply tormenting you. Now you have pangs of remorse because you made fun of me, but I don't want, yes, I don't want you, in addition to your sorrow … Of course, I'm to blame, Nastenka, but goodbye!' 'Stop, hear me out: can you wait?' 'Wait for what, why?' 'I love him; but that will pass, it must pass, it cannot but pass; it's already passing, I can sense it … Who knows, perhaps it will even end today, because I hate him, because he's had a good laugh at my expense, while you were crying here with me, because you didn't reject me, like he did, because you love me, and he didn't love me, because finally I love you myself … yes, I love! I love as you love me; you know, I myself even said so to you, you heard it yourself – because I love that you are better than he is, because you are nobler than he is, because, because he …'

'I only wanted to say to you … I wanted to say that if, despite the fact that I love him (no, loved him), if, despite that, you will still say … if you feel that your love is so great that it may in the end drive out from my heart the former … if you wish to take pity on me, if you don't wish to leave me alone to my fate, without consolation, without hope, if you wish to love me always as you now love me, then I swear that gratitude … that my love will in the end be worthy of your love … Will you take my hand now?'

My God, what a cry! How she shuddered! How she tore herself from my arms and flew to meet him! … I stood and watched them, crushed. But she had scarcely given him her hand, had scarcely thrown herself into his embrace, when she suddenly turned to me again, and was at my side in a flash, like the wind, and before I had a chance to collect myself, she flung both arms around my neck and kissed me firmly, ardently. Then, without saying a word to me, she rushed to him again, took him by the hand and led him away. I stood for a long time and watched them walk away … Finally, both of them vanished from sight.

Don't blame me, because I haven't changed in the least towards you; I said that I would love you, and I love you now, I more than love you. Oh, my God! If only I could love you both at the same time! Oh, if only you were he! 'Oh, if only he were you!' flashed through my mind. I remembered your words, Nastenka!

Thank you! Yes, thank you for that love! Because it is stamped on my memory like a sweet dream that you remember long after waking up; because I will forever remember that moment when you opened up your heart to me like a brother and so generously accepted the gift of my shattered heart to protect, cherish and heal it … If you forgive me, then the memory of you will be exalted in me by a feeling of eternal gratitude to you that will never quit my heart … I will keep that memory alive, I will be true to it, I will not betray it, I will not betray my heart: it is too constant. It returned so quickly yesterday to him to whom it had always belonged.

Oh, love me, don't leave me, because I love you so at this moment, because I am worthy of your love, because I will deserve it … my dear friend! Next week I am to be married to him. He returned in love with me, he never forgot me … You won't be angry that I have written about him.

But that I should nurse a grudge, Nastenka! That I should cast a dark cloud over your bright, serene happiness; that I, with bitter reproaches, should cast pangs of anguish on your heart, wound it with secret remorse and force it to beat with anguish at the moment of bliss; that I would crush even one of those delicate flowers that you plaited into your black curls when you walked together with him to the altar … Oh, never, never! May your sky be clear, may your sweet smile be bright and serene, may you be blessed for that moment of bliss and happiness that you gave to another lonely, grateful heart!

My God! A whole minute of bliss! Is that really so little for the whole of a man's life?

Nowadays humour and good style are disappearing and swear words are taken for wit.

And as far as madness is concerned, last year a lot of people were put down as mad. And with such style: 'Such an original talent …' they say, 'and then towards the end it turned out that … However, this should have been foreseen long ago …' This is still rather ingenious; so that one might even praise it from the point of view of pure art. Well, and then suddenly these madmen came back even smarter. There you are – we know how to drive people out of their minds, but we've never made anyone smarter …'

'To be astonished at everything, of course, is silly, while to be astonished at nothing is much more handsome, and for some reason is recognized as good form. But surely it's not like that in reality. In my opinion, it's much sillier to be astonished at nothing than to be astonished at everything. And what's more: to be astonished at nothing is almost the same thing as to respect nothing. And a silly man is not capable of showing respect.'

But meanwhile I don't want there to be any lying. That's all I want, because that's the main thing. On earth it's impossible to live and not to lie, for life and lying are synonymous; well, but here for the fun of it we won't lie. The devil take it, the grave does mean something after all! We'll all tell our stories out loud and we won't be ashamed of anything now.